Help, I’m locked in the bathroom!
For starters, I apologize I have not been posting new content on this blog on any “regular” basis. I’m not sure how many of you come here and read This Side Of 5. For all I know, no one cares about what I write in this section, but I certainly hope I have at least a few of you hooked. Does anyone other than my mom in Connecticut/my grandma on Cape Cod read This Side Of 5? If you’re a reader, why not leave me a comment; tell me what you’d like to see here. I’ll blog about anything! Call the ball.
Tell you this much though, I’m going to start updating this page more often. I need to. For myself. I can’t let This Side Of 5 turn out like all my other writing projects. Things I start, get a few pages into, and leave. Do you even know how many potential best sellers I’ve prologued and chapter oned, then left. Add all of those up and I’d have a book. Fiction. Nonfiction. Poems. Bright ideas written on cocktail napkins and loose pieces of paper. I’m a man passionate about many things, which also means I get easily distracted.
For this entry, I’ll share a funny story from our election coverage. If you were watching NBC on the big night you know that News Channel 5 was periodically “cutting in” to network. Meaning, every 20 minutes or so, when Brian Williams tossed to a commercial, Dale or Diana would come on and update our viewers about local election results. A cut-in is supposed to be quick and give you the most bang for your buck—the most up to date returns. I was live in the field. First at voting locations, then at the Democrats Campaign HQ, then live at the Republican’s local office. It was there, at GOP, that something nearly very embarrassing and nearly disastrous went down.
My live shot was all set up; cables uncoiled, the mast up on our news truck, “Mike’s mic” had been checked, and I had planned everything out for my presentation. My bright idea was to use props. Gag items from the campaigns. I put the objects in a nice little line and I’d hold them in front of the camera and make wisecracks. Things like John Kennedy’s brown paper bag, a Mccain/Palin pin labeled Mavericks. Hey look, its live television people! How else do you make Republican HQ stimulating to a viewer at home? That is to say, how do you make it stimulating when the place is full of old people hanging their heads low, glued to the Fox News Channel praying for a miracle. Sorry, but by this point it was pretty obvious to everyone that the Republicans were in for a disappointing night, so I thought, why not lighten the mood a tad?
“We’re 3 minutes out,” said Bryant Ferguson, News Channel 5’s chief cameraman.
“3 minutes out” means 3 minutes till they come to me.
Mind you, I had my earpiece in, so I could hear NBC News and 3 minutes is actually plenty of time.
“Real quick, Bryant, I’m going to run to the men’s room.”
So with that, I hustled towards the back of the office with the intention of putting some water in my hair (like a loser, I had left my gel back at the station). I also needed to blot my face with my mopin’.
P.S. My mopin’ is a white face cloth I carry around to take the shine off my shimmering, tomato red, Italian mug. SEE THE VIDEO for more on the origin of the word mopin.’
Ok, so I find the can and I step inside. The door won’t close all the way—it’s an old bathroom and an old rickety door. Not thinking, I give it a good tug and it clicks shut.
Spike up the hair (not too much now Michael, we’re not trying to look like a Gotti Boy). Wipe the brow. I look half way presentable, so I’m done.
Remember, I have my earpiece in, so I can still hear what’s happening on air. From the sound of it, Brian Williams is getting ready to toss to a commercial.
Chop, Chop Michael, you’ve probably got 1 minute left.
That’s when I discover, the flipping door is stuck. I mean, really stuck. As if locked from the outside. Panic!
Now picture this:
First, I hurriedly twist at the knob in both directions: “Come on, come on, please!” But the darn door doesn’t budge.
Loud pounding on the door “Is anyone out there?” No one is. More panic. More attempts at the knob. No luck. In fact, now I’ve pulled it so hard, the knob is actually coming out of the door.
Oh my god, they’re going to say “We go now live to Mike Magnoli” and Mike Magnoli won’t be there.
Around this time the expletives commence.
In my imagination, I can already hear the producer in the control room yelling, “He’s not at the camera! Just roll a graphic or something.” I can hear my boss hollering at me later, “And where in the BEEEEP were you, Mr. Magnoli?”
Think Michael, think. Deep breathes. What would MacGyver do? Is there anything to use to make plastique? Dial soap and some toilet paper. But wait a minute, Michael; you have your cell phone in your jacket pocket.
Whatever sweat I wiped away with my mopin’—now it’s back in buckets.
I dial Bryant’s cell phone, but there’s no answer. GREAT! He probably left it in the van.
I dial the newsroom and my managing editor, Eric, picks up.
“Eric, dude, its Mags. I’m locked in the bathroom at Republican Headquarters. Tell the control room to get Bryant on the walkie talkie and tell him that I’m stuck back here!”
Eric is obviously busy. I can tell he’s juggling at least a dozen things and I can hear phones in the newsroom ringing off the hook.
“Eric do you get what I’m telling you, man. They’re coming to me in like 50 seconds and I’m locked in the men’s room.”
Eric: “Wait, what?”
Blast. There’s no time to let this sink in. I have to act immediately. I hang up with Eric and that’s’ when I decide—in an instant I decide—my name is Bond, James Bond. I’m Jack Nicholson in The Shinning. I’m Hulk Hogan. I’m Heman, Master of The Universe.
It took me three tries and all of my weight (and I have the bruises up and down my body to prove this), but when Diana Raphael said my name, I was live at Republican Headquarters. Perspiring, shaking, stuttering, but gosh darn it,
“Hey Diana, yes we’re out here.”
NOTE TO SELF: If all you have to do is put water in your hair and use your mopin’, the bathroom door can stay open.
NOTE TO REPUBLICANS: Sorry about the door.
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